Category Archives: Dog with a Blog

Season 1, Episode 3: Dog with a Hog

Original Air Date: November 11, 2012

Ned Stark arrives in King’s Landing with his daughters and other minor characters. He is immediately summoned to a meeting of King Robert’s small council.

Ned is apprehensive and out-of-place in this new city.

Ned is apprehensive and out-of-place in this new city.

On the way there, he runs into the Queen’s twin brother, renowned swordsman and Kingslayer Jamie Lannister. Ned was there just after Jamie killed the previous king, and the two are not on good terms.

Ned holds little respect for the Kingslayer.

Ned harbors little respect for the Kingslayer.

At the council meeting, Ned meets master of coin Littlefinger, gossiping eunuch Varys, and the king’s brother, Renly. It becomes quickly apparent that King Robert does not attend any of his council meetings, and that the realm is in massive debt.

Ned bemoans what has become of his friend and his kingdom.

Ned bemoans what has become of his friend and his kingdom.

Queen Cersei cleans and wraps the wound her son, Prince Joffrey, suffered at the hands of Arya’s pet direwolf. They discuss Joffrey’s promised marriage to Sansa Stark and the way in which he shall rule the Seven Kingdoms, giving us an insight into the queen’s devotion for her son and Joffrey’s somewhat psychopathic, selfish, single-minded worldview.

The Prince feels little sympathy toward other human beings.

The Prince feels little sympathy toward other human beings.

While Sansa eats dinner, Arya uses a piece of meat to practice stabbing Joffrey in retribution for the deaths of Sansa’s direwolf and the butcher’s boy, Micah. Ned returns in the midst of a sibling squabble. His attempt to win over Sansa with a doll are useless, however, he and Arya bond over the secret of her sword, given to her by bastard brother Jon Snow in the first episode. Ned allows Arya to keep the sword, but insists she must learn how to use it.

Ned makes more fatherly mistakes.

Ned makes more fatherly mistakes.

In Winterfell, crippled Bran wastes away in his bed, being told stories by his caretaker. Robb arrives and fails to comfort his death-wishing younger brother.

Robb's words offer little solace.

Robb’s words offer little solace.

Lady Catelyn arrives in King’s Landing, come to tell her husband of the attempted murder on herself and Bran. She is intercepted by Littlefinger, who brings Ned to meet her under the cover of a brothel. Littlefinger reveals the owner of the dagger used to attack Bran: Tyrion Lannister.

The show is often criticized for its nudity and use of "sexposition" scenes

The show is often criticized for its nudity and use of “sexposition” scenes

At the wall, Jon Snow’s noble upbringing has made him a much stronger fighter than the other recruits. This does not earn him the respect of Allister Thorne, or the other recruits, who seek revenge agaisnt him. He is defended by Tyrion, who has come to see the wall and piss off the edge of the world. The two bond over their outcast nature—Jon a bastard, and Tyrion a dwarf.

"I have a tender spot in m y heart for cripples and bastards and broken things."

“I have a tender spot in m y heart for cripples and bastards and broken things.”

The queen and her twin brother continue their incestuous relationship, not feeling guilt for having thrown Bran, witness to their forbidden love, out of a window.

Jaime and Cersei's illicit lovemaking intensifies.

Jaime and Cersei’s illicit lovemaking intensifies.

Catelyn must return to Winterfell. She and Ned exchange goodbyes, not knowing if they will see each other again.

Ned delivers a tender goodbye to his wife.

Ned delivers a tender goodbye to his wife.

Across the Narrow Sea, Daenerys is disgusted by the Dothraki treatment of slaves. When she leaves the group for a moment, her brother Viserys pursues and attacks her. The Dothraki defend their queen and easily incapcitate Viserys, shocking the Prince and wounding his pride. Later, she receives dramatic news.

Dany learns she is pregnant with Drogo's child.

Dany learns she is pregnant with Drogo’s child.

Arya meets Syrio Forell, an enigmatic man who shall teach her the art of swordsmanship. The two begin their training.

Arya questions her new teacher, but learns to respect him.

Arya questions her new teacher, but learns to respect him.

Ned watches afar, proud of the person his rebellious young daughter is becoming.

Ned knows Arya is destined for great things.

Ned knows Arya is destined for great things.

Plot Advancement:

Tyrion may be responsible for the attack on Bran. Dany is pregnant with her husband’s child. The kingdom’s finances are in serious trouble. There is a pig in the house.

Reoccurring Themes:

Family. Duty versus Honor. Nobility versus Hard Work. Skateboarding.

Moral of the Week:

It’s okay to take risks…sometimes.

Bonus:

As many new viewers find the show hard to follow due to its large cast of characters and the long, intertwined histories they share, Disney has released a handy guide to the cast’s lineage:

Not Pictured: Anyone from Fucking Dorne

Not Pictured: Anyone from Fucking Dorne

 

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Season 1, Episode 2: The Fast and the Furriest

Original Air Date: November 4, 2012

We open with Avery and Stan returning from a walk. Who is walking who? I’ll let you decide, based on Stan’s demonic face.

Guess who's back. Back again.

Guess who’s back. Back again.

Stan complains about dogs needing leashes, much like America complains about dogs having blogs. He also curses “these blue poop bags tied to my collar.”

I wonder if this dog will get his Emmy before Dicaprio.

I wonder if this dog will get his Emmy before Dicaprio.

Avery isn’t having any of his shit (get it), but Stan uses his dogcraft (like witchcraft, not Starcraft) and reverses the indignity upon her.

Sounds like "I Dream of Jeanie," looks like the cover to an illegal porn VHS.

Sounds like “I Dream of Jeanie,” looks like the cover to an illegal porn VHS.

After the intro, Tyler and The Dad (better known as NEIGHBOR on MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE) arrive home with mediocre news: Tyler earned his learner’s permit. There’s an endless and depressing bit where the entire family, one by painful one, assumes he failed.

Dad/One-Time Neighbor of The Great Frankie Muniz shames his family for being terrible. This begins a dream sequence: he imagines a world without his wife and children and dog/tool of Satan. It’s like A Wonderful Life.

Just like in that film, he ends up a pedophile preying on children in the park.

Just like in that film, he ends up a pedophile preying on children in the park.

The family goes out for pizza to celebrate, and Stan is left home alone, abandoned, to write in his LiveJournal about how underappreciated he is. I’m starting to wonder if this show was written with a neglected, abused child as the protagonist.

Disney Exec: "Make him a dog, we'll add a laugh track, why won't my wife look at me?"

Disney Exec: “Make him a dog, we’ll add a laugh track, why won’t my wife look at me?”

Stan then destroys the house in a hormonal rage.

Meanwhile, Dad Loves the ’80s and Tyler abandon their shitty family at the pizzeria for a surprise driving lesson.

It ends just like my relationship with my dad did.

It ends just like my relationship with my dad.

At the pizza joint, Mom feels abandoned just like the dog and all hope. She gets her own dream sequence in which she has abandoned her family, dyed her hair, and moved to Europe or something.

At least she got pizza. This show hasn't given me anything.

At least she got pizza. That’s more than this show has given me.

Cut to the next day. Fearing total abandonment, Stan begins teaching himself basic living skills.

He starts, as anyone would, with lint-rolling.

He starts, as anyone would, with lint-rolling.

I know that was a poor screenshot, but I can only work with what The Disney Channel gives me, and what they gave me was a half-second of a puppet dog-arm kind of touching a lint-roller. If they ever use a quote from my reviews on the DVD box, I hope it’s that one.

Oh, and then he teaches himself to drive. He takes to the road, finally resuming his search for the Mad Mailman from the Pilot episode.

More like DOG WITH A D.U.I., AM I RIGHT, KIDS?

More like DOG WITH A D.U.I., AM I RIGHT, KIDS?

He crashes into a tree and shits himself.

The next morning, our lovable family has breakfast and does sitcom stuff. The crashed car is discovered in the driveway. No mention is made of dog-shit found splattered across the driver’s seat. Are we to believe Stan cleaned up his waste, disposed of it, and scrubbed away the shitty remnants all on his own? I guess he didn’t need the blue poop bags after all.

Tyler is blamed for the car, and Stan agonizes over whether or not to admit the truth. This causes a fight between Tyler and his accusatory siblings.

I REALLY hope this was a fight.

At least, I hope this was a fight.

Stan admits to his treason. The kids are reasonably pissed. Stan defends himself by saying that it’s hard to be a hyper-intelligent dog in world of under-intelligent Disney Channel humans. There’s a pretty funny joke about how he can’t work the DVR and accidentally recorded MEET THE PARENTS ten times. That’s immediately ruined by a “MEAT the Parents” gag, but whatever, I’ll take a laugh where I can find it.

The kids don’t really forgive him, but Stan promises to spare their lives if they keep the secret of his being able to drive cars. Or being able to speak. Or whistle. I’m not really sure what secret he is trying to protect, or why.

Anyway, the kids band together to do the “I am Spartacus” bit. It’s not funny, but at least the parents see through it pretty quickly. While they’re doing that, Stan leaps into the car and crashes it into another tree in front of the family. So Tyler doesn’t get in trouble, but the family car has been crashed twice in two days. I guess that’s a win? The mom resolves to kill Stan and everybody laughs, but I hope this attempted assassination occurs in the season finale.

At night, Stan writes his closing dog blog using the same stock dog-at-the-computer footage they’ve now played at least three times.

Stan's notes. Wait, these are my notes. Am I okay

Stan’s notes. Wait, these are my notes. Am I okay

We see another visual tragedy created by the Photoshop Intern, and it’s over.

Maybe we aren't.

Maybe we’re not.

Plot Advancement:

Stan takes the car to hunt down the Mailman, but immediately crashes/shits all over himself. There’s some foreshadowing that the mom may try to murder Stan, but we’ll see if that pans out.

Reoccurring Themes:

Abandonment Issues. Pizza. Poop. Dogs.

Moral of the Week:

Abandon your children and change your hair or the goddamn pets will break your expensive stuff. Also, dogs can clean up their own shit–they don’t want your pity.

Final Thoughts:

 

dog walker

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Season 1, Episode 1: “Stan of the House”

Original Air Date: October 12, 2012

This is how the world ends.

This is how the world ends.

First episodes are funny things. Sometimes they’re a great indication of what the series will be like; other times, they’re wildly different, both in content and quality.

But I don’t want to compare Dog with a Blog to other TV shows. Because really, Dog with a Blog is something different. It’s like a bizarre fever dream: sometimes, it’s just gonna happen to you, and you’re going to have to deal with it.

We begin the episode with a dark-haired beauty of a teen heart-throb hitting on a cheerleader and throwing books around his living room–all is normal for the Disney Channel.

Then, suddenly, this happens.

blog2

The world turns black-and-white and the young man is frozen in time as a voice-over begins, describing the boy as Tyler, a “smooth player”. The voice-over is, obviously, a dog. Then the scene resumes as normal, with no indication the time-stopping dog-God ever intervened. For now, Tyler’s life is spared. I hope I can say the same for myself when this is all over.

Tyler’s step-sister, for some reason named Avery, appears, establishing early her role as cock-blocker in Tyler’s life. She tells Tyler that–

This is truly a hellish world.

This is truly a hellish world.

Jesus Christ! Dog the Time-God again interrupts our tragic tale of a blended family  to provide exposition. Wait, what if there is no dog in this show? What if he only watches unseen, freezing time when he needs to, fucking with the lives of these children?

If that isn’t what this show is about, I’m going to be really bummed.

So anyway, Avery is pint-sized-pissed about Tyler trying to impregnate this girl all over the couch where she studies. The two get into a big tiff over it. It seems this newly-blended family isn’t blending together at all! Well, at least they aren’t subject to the whim of a maniacal, faceless Blog Dog God.

Foreground: Cheerleader lobotomized by Dog Blog God.

Foreground: Cheerleader lobotomized by Dog Blog God.

The parents show up and marvel at what a mess they’ve made of their children’s lives. They’re both psychologists, so  oh man, these kids are fucked. They’re also both played by actors I only recognize from those vh1 I love the __s shows, so their careers are fucked. Sadly, neither of them is Michael Ian Black.

Oh man, I hope Michael Ian Black is playing the dog.

Goddamn it, there’s another kid.

This is how I reacted to the show's title, too.

This is how I reacted to the show’s title, too.

She’s so young that she probably won’t develop a personality for at least 3 seasons (if she’s not killed off in the season finale), so I’m not gonna learn her name until then.

Oh, God, what if this show lasts three seasons?

Hey, look, it’s the dog!

The furry face of evil.

Where the FUCK is the blog, Disney?

The parents have brought home Stan, a demigod confined to the body of a dog, kind of like Salem on Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, the famous 1990s sequel to Clarissa Explains it All. They’ve summoned Stan as a last resort to keep their unruly horde of children in line.

Stan gets the house in order quickly, and soon all the children are kneeling to him. When Dad Loves the 80s questions his doggy rule, Stan causes him to have a stroke.

"I don't love the 2012s."

“I don’t love the 2012s.”

We cut to a Lost-style flash-forward of the future, or maybe it’s like Heroes and this is a possible alternate timeline. Either way, we see that in this future, Stan has taken over the house and perhaps the world. Also, he has the ability to use a keyboard and compose dog blogs.

Wait, what?

Wait, what?

I would say that’s a ridiculous premise, but hey, I managed to do it.

Stan laments that while he has taken over the house, he is still trapped in dog form without anyone to pet him.  Shakespearean tragedy, thy name is Doggle Bloggle.

The next morning, as Avery prattles on about her upcoming meeting of Generic Young Sibling Characters, we are treated to a montage of previous lives Stan has used his demonic powers to ruin.

"I'm not crazy! IT'S ABOUT A DOG WITH A BLOG! IT'S A HIT TV SHOW!"

“I’m not crazy! IT’S ABOUT A DOG WITH A BLOG! IT’S A HIT TV SHOW!”

Tyler comes in and the two start arguing again, as it seems Avery’s meeting in the living room will conflict with Tyler’s upcoming filming of Naughty Disney Cheerleaders, a show I just made up that sounds far more child-friendly than Demon Dog with Satan’s Blog (or whatever this is called). They’re interrupted by Stan, who has spent too long in his dog body and now craves Kibbles & Bits. They form a truce: Stan will put off eating their younger sister for a few months if they will feed him, open cabinets & jars for him, and lock the mailman in a basement torture-chamber for Stan’s delight. Naturally, they agree.

Predictably, the mailman turns the tables on Stan.

Why do all Disney sitcoms turn out like this?

Why do all Disney sitcoms turn out like this?

Using I Love the Parents’ psychology machines, the mailman saps Stan of his Godlike powers, rendering him an average dog. Avery and Tyler come to the rescue and engage in a battle with the mailman.

Upstairs, both the pornographic actresses for Tyler’s movie and the ugly children for Avery’s club have shown up–wacky!

The most boring porno I've ever seen.

The most boring porno I’ve ever seen.

The parents attempt to use psychology to unite the two groups. It fails when one ugly girl says, “Weren’t you on vh1?” and everyone starts crying.

The mailman escapes because, let’s be honest, mailmen are invincible. The kids save Stan and decide that, with his powers stripped away, they can keep him as a pet. Stan is depressed, but when he sees a fat man mauled to death by small puppies the next day, he realizes even the doggiest dog can cause pain and misery.

The best porno I've ever seen.

The best porno I’ve ever seen.

He resolves to find the mailman, get his powers back, and rule the world.

We cut back to the future, where indeed, Stan has taken over the household. He’s writing his blog, detailing just how he infiltrated this family, destroyed them from the inside, and regained his demigod/typing abilities.

No, seriously, what?

No, seriously, what?

How did he do it? We’ll have to watch the rest of the series to find out.