Season 1, Episode 2: The Fast and the Furriest

Original Air Date: November 4, 2012

We open with Avery and Stan returning from a walk. Who is walking who? I’ll let you decide, based on Stan’s demonic face.

Guess who's back. Back again.

Guess who’s back. Back again.

Stan complains about dogs needing leashes, much like America complains about dogs having blogs. He also curses “these blue poop bags tied to my collar.”

I wonder if this dog will get his Emmy before Dicaprio.

I wonder if this dog will get his Emmy before Dicaprio.

Avery isn’t having any of his shit (get it), but Stan uses his dogcraft (like witchcraft, not Starcraft) and reverses the indignity upon her.

Sounds like "I Dream of Jeanie," looks like the cover to an illegal porn VHS.

Sounds like “I Dream of Jeanie,” looks like the cover to an illegal porn VHS.

After the intro, Tyler and The Dad (better known as NEIGHBOR on MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE) arrive home with mediocre news: Tyler earned his learner’s permit. There’s an endless and depressing bit where the entire family, one by painful one, assumes he failed.

Dad/One-Time Neighbor of The Great Frankie Muniz shames his family for being terrible. This begins a dream sequence: he imagines a world without his wife and children and dog/tool of Satan. It’s like A Wonderful Life.

Just like in that film, he ends up a pedophile preying on children in the park.

Just like in that film, he ends up a pedophile preying on children in the park.

The family goes out for pizza to celebrate, and Stan is left home alone, abandoned, to write in his LiveJournal about how underappreciated he is. I’m starting to wonder if this show was written with a neglected, abused child as the protagonist.

Disney Exec: "Make him a dog, we'll add a laugh track, why won't my wife look at me?"

Disney Exec: “Make him a dog, we’ll add a laugh track, why won’t my wife look at me?”

Stan then destroys the house in a hormonal rage.

Meanwhile, Dad Loves the ’80s and Tyler abandon their shitty family at the pizzeria for a surprise driving lesson.

It ends just like my relationship with my dad did.

It ends just like my relationship with my dad.

At the pizza joint, Mom feels abandoned just like the dog and all hope. She gets her own dream sequence in which she has abandoned her family, dyed her hair, and moved to Europe or something.

At least she got pizza. This show hasn't given me anything.

At least she got pizza. That’s more than this show has given me.

Cut to the next day. Fearing total abandonment, Stan begins teaching himself basic living skills.

He starts, as anyone would, with lint-rolling.

He starts, as anyone would, with lint-rolling.

I know that was a poor screenshot, but I can only work with what The Disney Channel gives me, and what they gave me was a half-second of a puppet dog-arm kind of touching a lint-roller. If they ever use a quote from my reviews on the DVD box, I hope it’s that one.

Oh, and then he teaches himself to drive. He takes to the road, finally resuming his search for the Mad Mailman from the Pilot episode.

More like DOG WITH A D.U.I., AM I RIGHT, KIDS?

More like DOG WITH A D.U.I., AM I RIGHT, KIDS?

He crashes into a tree and shits himself.

The next morning, our lovable family has breakfast and does sitcom stuff. The crashed car is discovered in the driveway. No mention is made of dog-shit found splattered across the driver’s seat. Are we to believe Stan cleaned up his waste, disposed of it, and scrubbed away the shitty remnants all on his own? I guess he didn’t need the blue poop bags after all.

Tyler is blamed for the car, and Stan agonizes over whether or not to admit the truth. This causes a fight between Tyler and his accusatory siblings.

I REALLY hope this was a fight.

At least, I hope this was a fight.

Stan admits to his treason. The kids are reasonably pissed. Stan defends himself by saying that it’s hard to be a hyper-intelligent dog in world of under-intelligent Disney Channel humans. There’s a pretty funny joke about how he can’t work the DVR and accidentally recorded MEET THE PARENTS ten times. That’s immediately ruined by a “MEAT the Parents” gag, but whatever, I’ll take a laugh where I can find it.

The kids don’t really forgive him, but Stan promises to spare their lives if they keep the secret of his being able to drive cars. Or being able to speak. Or whistle. I’m not really sure what secret he is trying to protect, or why.

Anyway, the kids band together to do the “I am Spartacus” bit. It’s not funny, but at least the parents see through it pretty quickly. While they’re doing that, Stan leaps into the car and crashes it into another tree in front of the family. So Tyler doesn’t get in trouble, but the family car has been crashed twice in two days. I guess that’s a win? The mom resolves to kill Stan and everybody laughs, but I hope this attempted assassination occurs in the season finale.

At night, Stan writes his closing dog blog using the same stock dog-at-the-computer footage they’ve now played at least three times.

Stan's notes. Wait, these are my notes. Am I okay

Stan’s notes. Wait, these are my notes. Am I okay

We see another visual tragedy created by the Photoshop Intern, and it’s over.

Maybe we aren't.

Maybe we’re not.

Plot Advancement:

Stan takes the car to hunt down the Mailman, but immediately crashes/shits all over himself. There’s some foreshadowing that the mom may try to murder Stan, but we’ll see if that pans out.

Reoccurring Themes:

Abandonment Issues. Pizza. Poop. Dogs.

Moral of the Week:

Abandon your children and change your hair or the goddamn pets will break your expensive stuff. Also, dogs can clean up their own shit–they don’t want your pity.

Final Thoughts:

 

dog walker

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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