Season 1, Episode 1: “Stan of the House”

Original Air Date: October 12, 2012

This is how the world ends.

This is how the world ends.

First episodes are funny things. Sometimes they’re a great indication of what the series will be like; other times, they’re wildly different, both in content and quality.

But I don’t want to compare Dog with a Blog to other TV shows. Because really, Dog with a Blog is something different. It’s like a bizarre fever dream: sometimes, it’s just gonna happen to you, and you’re going to have to deal with it.

We begin the episode with a dark-haired beauty of a teen heart-throb hitting on a cheerleader and throwing books around his living room–all is normal for the Disney Channel.

Then, suddenly, this happens.

blog2

The world turns black-and-white and the young man is frozen in time as a voice-over begins, describing the boy as Tyler, a “smooth player”. The voice-over is, obviously, a dog. Then the scene resumes as normal, with no indication the time-stopping dog-God ever intervened. For now, Tyler’s life is spared. I hope I can say the same for myself when this is all over.

Tyler’s step-sister, for some reason named Avery, appears, establishing early her role as cock-blocker in Tyler’s life. She tells Tyler that–

This is truly a hellish world.

This is truly a hellish world.

Jesus Christ! Dog the Time-God again interrupts our tragic tale of a blended family  to provide exposition. Wait, what if there is no dog in this show? What if he only watches unseen, freezing time when he needs to, fucking with the lives of these children?

If that isn’t what this show is about, I’m going to be really bummed.

So anyway, Avery is pint-sized-pissed about Tyler trying to impregnate this girl all over the couch where she studies. The two get into a big tiff over it. It seems this newly-blended family isn’t blending together at all! Well, at least they aren’t subject to the whim of a maniacal, faceless Blog Dog God.

Foreground: Cheerleader lobotomized by Dog Blog God.

Foreground: Cheerleader lobotomized by Dog Blog God.

The parents show up and marvel at what a mess they’ve made of their children’s lives. They’re both psychologists, so  oh man, these kids are fucked. They’re also both played by actors I only recognize from those vh1 I love the __s shows, so their careers are fucked. Sadly, neither of them is Michael Ian Black.

Oh man, I hope Michael Ian Black is playing the dog.

Goddamn it, there’s another kid.

This is how I reacted to the show's title, too.

This is how I reacted to the show’s title, too.

She’s so young that she probably won’t develop a personality for at least 3 seasons (if she’s not killed off in the season finale), so I’m not gonna learn her name until then.

Oh, God, what if this show lasts three seasons?

Hey, look, it’s the dog!

The furry face of evil.

Where the FUCK is the blog, Disney?

The parents have brought home Stan, a demigod confined to the body of a dog, kind of like Salem on Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, the famous 1990s sequel to Clarissa Explains it All. They’ve summoned Stan as a last resort to keep their unruly horde of children in line.

Stan gets the house in order quickly, and soon all the children are kneeling to him. When Dad Loves the 80s questions his doggy rule, Stan causes him to have a stroke.

"I don't love the 2012s."

“I don’t love the 2012s.”

We cut to a Lost-style flash-forward of the future, or maybe it’s like Heroes and this is a possible alternate timeline. Either way, we see that in this future, Stan has taken over the house and perhaps the world. Also, he has the ability to use a keyboard and compose dog blogs.

Wait, what?

Wait, what?

I would say that’s a ridiculous premise, but hey, I managed to do it.

Stan laments that while he has taken over the house, he is still trapped in dog form without anyone to pet him.  Shakespearean tragedy, thy name is Doggle Bloggle.

The next morning, as Avery prattles on about her upcoming meeting of Generic Young Sibling Characters, we are treated to a montage of previous lives Stan has used his demonic powers to ruin.

"I'm not crazy! IT'S ABOUT A DOG WITH A BLOG! IT'S A HIT TV SHOW!"

“I’m not crazy! IT’S ABOUT A DOG WITH A BLOG! IT’S A HIT TV SHOW!”

Tyler comes in and the two start arguing again, as it seems Avery’s meeting in the living room will conflict with Tyler’s upcoming filming of Naughty Disney Cheerleaders, a show I just made up that sounds far more child-friendly than Demon Dog with Satan’s Blog (or whatever this is called). They’re interrupted by Stan, who has spent too long in his dog body and now craves Kibbles & Bits. They form a truce: Stan will put off eating their younger sister for a few months if they will feed him, open cabinets & jars for him, and lock the mailman in a basement torture-chamber for Stan’s delight. Naturally, they agree.

Predictably, the mailman turns the tables on Stan.

Why do all Disney sitcoms turn out like this?

Why do all Disney sitcoms turn out like this?

Using I Love the Parents’ psychology machines, the mailman saps Stan of his Godlike powers, rendering him an average dog. Avery and Tyler come to the rescue and engage in a battle with the mailman.

Upstairs, both the pornographic actresses for Tyler’s movie and the ugly children for Avery’s club have shown up–wacky!

The most boring porno I've ever seen.

The most boring porno I’ve ever seen.

The parents attempt to use psychology to unite the two groups. It fails when one ugly girl says, “Weren’t you on vh1?” and everyone starts crying.

The mailman escapes because, let’s be honest, mailmen are invincible. The kids save Stan and decide that, with his powers stripped away, they can keep him as a pet. Stan is depressed, but when he sees a fat man mauled to death by small puppies the next day, he realizes even the doggiest dog can cause pain and misery.

The best porno I've ever seen.

The best porno I’ve ever seen.

He resolves to find the mailman, get his powers back, and rule the world.

We cut back to the future, where indeed, Stan has taken over the household. He’s writing his blog, detailing just how he infiltrated this family, destroyed them from the inside, and regained his demigod/typing abilities.

No, seriously, what?

No, seriously, what?

How did he do it? We’ll have to watch the rest of the series to find out.